Fangirl

You’ve  invaded me
Body, mind, soul
I walk around with your smell wafting in my nose
I remember the color of your eyes
The sound of your laughter
That lock of hair falling across your forehead eyes twinkling with mirth
Now you invade my dreams unbidden
my heart thundering out of my chest
I wakeup to painful emptiness replaced by the infinite longing to be with you
So once again as the slow crawl of the clock comes to two
I’ll stand on the window opening it enough to hear your voice
And I’ll wait
To see your eyes twinkling with mirth
a rose in hand
Your face dancing in laughter as you cross without a second glance                                                  to the street behind
Where I know “she” lives
I place my palm on the window watching my breath fog the vision
Then pull the curtains- forever on them

Nightmare

It was like a dream

There was something innately unreal about it

Through all the assurances and all those words whispered

I knew it wasn’t going to last

You were like autumn; I thought you were beautiful until all our memories fell away

Scattered for me to walk on

Because I would often find myself alone

Fading away

Behind your shadows

And hear voices whispering behind my back

And some days when you wouldn’t look behind to see if I was there

I felt myself wondering if you ever did

Alone wasn’t intense before I met you

And neither were my dreams nightmares

with a rose or two

Stop playing with me with my insecurities.

I try each day to forget and every time I succeed I find you on my doorstep with a rose or two. Every sense of reality is befuddled then as you hold me back into your arms.

But then why is it that I am rudely jolted back when the thorn pricks me

And this time you walk away for it was your sick ego that held me and not your heart.
Now roses lay wilted since the day you left
And I hear a knock on the door but this time I know better than to open
You are here again with a rose or two.

SHE…

There was something about her. In the way she walked, in her defiant chin, her stubborn curls. She was a storm waiting to happen, her decided silence could not be broken nor could the glare she fixated upon everyone who crossed her way. It was not her tinkling laughter but her constant frown that intrigued me. It was really a privilege to hear her laugh though, like music unheard of or the sound of waves crashing on the shore. She wasn’t shy; oh no she was a certain rebel fighting relentlessly against forces unknown. She never really softened except when something really touched her heart.  To me she exuded magnetism and I was inevitably attracted to the calamity that she was. She was loud crashing rain on closed doors desperate to be heard and acknowledged…like pieces of puzzles lost unable to be solved. She was my pain and my relief and soon enough I was a part of her storm but she didn’t destroy me she made me a storm too.

about em words…

It’s funny or maybe it’s not. Maybe the better description would be that it is peculiar….peculiarly funny or funnily peculiar. It’s all about the placement, is it? One word after the other it wouldn’t make any sense if we change the order of them. Aren’t humans like words? Some of them are necessary in life some of them are a rare pleasure to use some of them make no sense without their partner and some of them are everything in themselves but we all go one after the other read slowly but surely by a bright mind, recognised for our meanings, not for the length of our letters or the font that we are in but what purpose we solve in that particular sentence, what meaning we give to the reader. Isn’t it all about the purpose after all? purpose of humans in life and purpose of a word in a sentence
So go on find a sentence that gives you maximum purpose, be the word which when enunciated is the most beautiful thing on earth

HE…

He was mussed up hair and sleepy eyes in early elevator mornings. He was quick comebacks with lazy sarcasm dipped in the air of nonchalance. He was long sleeved v neck sweaters from January to December with just a hint of smells of high mountains and deep waters. He was kind eyes and unbarred laughs punctuated by dimpled cheeks. He was soft rain on sultry afternoons just enough to make you thirst for more. It was his confident voice, his ability to laugh on himself, his absolute ignorance towards the attention that he received and his sweet blush that would begin by creeping from his ears and taint his cheeks pink when he realized he was being noticed. No, he doesn’t know me and no I am not in love with him but if someone has managed to make me skip a heartbeat without even trying it was always him..

Answer

All I want is an answer
To the questionable moments I thought were love
To the unmistakable sincerity in your eyes
To the warmth of your hand
The erratic beating of your heart
The spontaneous laughter
The passionate kiss
All I want is an answer
To everything I believed to be true
Until you could no longer look into my eyes
Your hands were clammy and cold
The beating of your heart couldn’t be accelerated even if I was to put a gun on your head
There were spontaneous tears
And passionate fights
And truth became a foreign language on my tongue which I could never understand
We broke apart in pieces shattering on the ground
And as you broke away from me you broke a part of me
Until all I had was what was left
And that was definitely not you

lonely tonight

There is no conflict going on within you that can be solved with any amount of company you are with

And here I am trying to find solace in the company of people whose voices sound like a distant hum, background noise that does not come even close to filling the emptiness that is ripping me apart inch by inch

every moment leaving me breathless with the need to do

something

anything

that could fill the gaping holes of my loneliness

I chew on the skin on the side of my nail absently staring at the distance between their feet and mine

this distance the physical proof of my growing need to be close and yet run far away

and soon enough they’ll question why are you even here

and once more I’ll search in places that hold no answers